i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
