I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
