dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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