Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
