i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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