I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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