you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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