You're completely useless in the revolution.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
