Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
is wine microwaveable?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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