The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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