I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
