true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
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