foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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