Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
