I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
