she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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