we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
