It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize