it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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