My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Randomize
