Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
