it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
