I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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