i used baking grease as lip gloss
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
