my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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