also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize