I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
