2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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