Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
