I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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