she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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