Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
