dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
