dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
