Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
