I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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