Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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