watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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