I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
