You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
