I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
