I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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