no, he came in my armpit
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Randomize