It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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