normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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