Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
