my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
FUCK WHALES
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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