Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
