wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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