Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize