Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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