Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
