we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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