I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
