I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
