i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
