I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
