she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You are the jesus of drinking
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize